Afterword
Dave Pelzer
Survivor
As a child living in a dark world, I feared for my life and
thought I was alone. As an adult I know now that I was not
alone. There were thousands of other abused children.
Sources of information vary, but it is estimated that one in
five children are physically, emotionally or sexually abused in
the United States. Unfortunately, there are those among the
uninformed public who believe that most abuse is nothing more
than parents exerting their “right” to discipline their children and
letting it get a little out of hand. These same people may believe
that overdiscipline is not likely to follow the child into
adulthood. They are tragically misinformed.
On any given day, some adult who is the victim of a dark past
of child abuse may vent his or her pentup frustrations on society
or on those he or she may love. The public is well informed
about the most uncommon cases. Unusual incidents attract the
media and boost ratings. We heard about the lawyer father who
struck out with his fist and left the child unconscious on the
floor before retiring to bed. We heard about the father who
dunked the small child in the toilet. Both children died. In a
more bizarre case both a mother and a father each killed a child
and hid their bodies for a period of four years. There are other
high profile stories, like the abused child who grew into the man
who went on a killing spree at a McDonald’s, gunning down
helpless victims until the police took his life.
More common are the unknowns who disappear, like the
homeless boy who sleeps under a freeway bridge and calls a
cardboard box his home. Each year thousands of abused girls
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run away from home and sell their bodies in order to survive.
Others strike out by joining gangs who are totally committed to
violence and destruction.
Many child abuse victims hide their past deep inside, so deep
that the possibility of becoming an abuser themselves is
unthinkable. They live normal lives, becoming husbands and
wives, raising families and building careers. But the ordinary
problems of everyday life often force the former abuse victim to
behave as they were taught as children. Spouses and children
then become the object of their frustration, and they
unknowingly come the full circle, completing the neverending
cycle of rage.
Some child abuse victims stay quietly locked in their shells.
They look the other way, believing that by not acknowledging
their past it will go away. They seem to believe that above all
Pandora’s Box must stay closed.
Each year, millions of dollars are poured into child protection
agencies in the United States and around the world. These
dollars go to local facilities, like foster homes and juvenile halls.
There are dollar grants to thousands of private organizations
whose mission includes basic child abuse prevention, the
counseling of abus ive parents and the victims. Every year the
number grows larger.
Why? What causes the tragedy of child abuse? Is it really as
bad as they say? Can it be stopped? And perhaps the most
important of all questions, what is abuse like through the eyes of
the child?
What you have just read is a story of an ordinary family that
was devastated by their hidden secret. The story has two
objectives: the first is to inform the reader how a loving, caring
parent can change to a cold, abusive monster venting
frustrations on a helpless child; the second is the eventual
survival and triumph of the human spirit over seemingly
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insurmountable odds.
Some readers will find the story unreal and disturbing, but
child abuse is a disturbing phenomenon that is a reality in our
society. Child abuse has a domino effect that spreads to all who
touch the family. It takes its greatest toll on the child and
spreads into the immediate family to the spouse, who is often
torn between the child and their mate. From there it goes to
other children in the family who do not understand and also feel
threatened. Also involved are neighbors who hear the screams
but do not react, teachers who see the bruises and must deal with
a child too distracted to learn, and relatives who want to
intervene but do not want to risk relationships.
This is more than a story of survival. It is a story of victory
and celebration. Even in its darkest passages, the heart is
unconquerable. It is important that the body survives, but it is
more meaningful that the human spirit prevails.
This is my story and mine alone. For years I was confined to
the darkness of my own mind and heart, being alone and a
pitiful “loser”. At first I wanted nothing more than to be like
others, but that motivation grew. I wanted to become a
“winner”. For over 13 years I served my country in the military.
I now serve my country giving seminars and workshops to
others in need, helping them to break their chains. From one
who has been there, I bring a message to abused children and
those who work with them. I bring a perspective born in the
brutal reality of child abuse and nurtured in hope for a better
tomorrow. Most importantly, I broke the cycle and became a
father whose only guilt is that of spoiling his son with love and
encouragement.
Today there are millions around the world in desperate need
of help. It is my mission to assist those in need of a helping
hand. I believe it is important for people to know that no matter
what lies in their past, they can overcome the dark side and press
on to a brighter world. It is perhaps a paradox that without the
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abuse of my past, I might not be what I am today. Because of
the darkness in my childhood, I have a deep appreciation for
life. I was fortunate enough to turn tragedy into triumph. This is
my story.
Perhaps at no time in history has the family been under more
stress. Economic and social changes have pushed the family to
its limit and made child abuse more likely. If society is to come
to grips with the problem, it must be exposed. Once exposed, the
causes of child abuse can be understood and support can truly
begin. Childhood should be carefree, playing in the sun; not
living a nightmare in the darkness of the soul.
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